Understand Your Children's Perspectives

• Listen to your children.
• Take their concerns seriously.
• Observe their words and behavior for any significant changes.
• Talk responsibly with your children about divorce. Be age-appropriate in the factual information you offer the children.
• Keep them appropriately advised. Do not keep them "in the dark." But refrain from showing them any court documents, angry letters from your ex-spouse etc.
• Don't "rain on your children." That means keep your grown-up stuff to yourself.
• Don't "pour" things on them like your anger, your dependency needs or your shame, take it elsewhere and get good qualified counseling or support from mature friends.
• Tell your children that you love them.
• Tell your children you will always take care of them.
• Show them that you care by doing special activities to comfort them such as walking them to school, putting a new stuffed animal on their bed, or by having them read you a story about divorce, such as The Dinosaur's Divorce.
• Explain how the children will now have two homes rather than one. Help them to decorate and organize each home, so they have a part in the creating of the new "nests." Help them to have similar comfort toys in each home. Make each home "their home."
• Tell them, in words, that it's OK to still love both parents, there is enough room for everyone's love to go around.
• Show by your actions that you and the other parent can cope.
• Listen to your children’s opinions and whenever possible allow them to generate options or choices. Be clear and firm yet flexible.
• Never threaten your children with abandonment, not even in the midst of discipline.
• Remind your children that the divorce is not their fault.
• Don’t lead the children to believe that you and the other parent will reconcile, unless it is a strong possibility.
• Find comfortable ways to share affection with your children such as hand-holding or hugging.
• Learn how to discipline your children with love not anger.
• Speak positively not negatively about the other parent.
• Consider the children's perspectives about the divorce not just your own.
• Take a parenting class, even if you are already a terrific parent!
• Read Mom's house Dad's house by Isolina Ricci as well as In the name of the child by Janet Johnston