Being a Step-Parent - "A Bonus Parent"

One in every three families in the US is a step-family. Being a bonus parent is a very special role. You are a caretaker, friend, parent, spouse, confidant, and supporter.

• Develop clear values, rules and expectations in your blended family. Modify them over time.
• Become a good planner, look toward the future and practice pro-active planning and intervention.
• Anticipate problems before they arise.
• Focus on establishing and maintaining a solid marital base.
• Protect your marriage.
• Don’t make your new spouse the messenger between you and the children.
• Discuss and deal with all divorce-related issues privately.
• Plan on being a team player, forever.
• When you blame, you shame, don’t do either.
• Don’t buy distortions, there are always more ways than one to look at a situation.
• Talk, talk talk, and more talk with your spouse, partner, children and step-children.
• Address the dream of reconciliation thoughtfully.
• Consider the developmental needs of each individual child.
• Be patient.
• Ask for input – from everyone.
• Hold family meetings.
• Have a family suggestion box.
• Consider developing a monthly family newsletter with your children.
• Give all of the relationships time.
• Expect bumps in the road.

In a high conflict divorce:

• Know your role. You are a caretaker, a parent, not the parent.
• Know your place. Do not usurp the role of the primary parent. You are playing a supportive role.
• Be a voice of reason, not a voice of agitation.
• Contribute to the lives of the children.
• Play with the children, enjoy their individual qualities.
• You are fortunate to have them, and they you.
• Know that there are two sides to every story.
• Stay out of the middle.
• Have the children call you something other than mom or dad, they usually already have a mom or dad. Have them call you by your real first name, or a name from another language which means loved one such as "Muno" "Amado" "Nina" or "Nita".
• You have an important role in the newly developing family, you are valuable to your spouse and the children. Honor your value.